What does it mean to feel small? Earlier this week, I attended a series of lectures from acclaimed physicist Pekka Sinervo, who works to understand the basic building blocks of the universe. His research examines the forces that cause particles to interact and create complex structures that we see as atoms and molecules. Pekka’s field is known as Experimental High Energy Physics, and to put it mildly, he confounded the group of rabbis and cantors in our group. At the very least, we learned enough only to know about how much we don’t know. But my ignorance isn’t why I felt so small. After all, another astrophysicist, Neil Degrasse Tyson reminds his readers: “The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you.” What made me feel no larger than the size of an atom, was learning about the actual size of the universe.
The Pinwheel Galaxy
There are, I learned, 200 billion trillion stars in our universe, all of which are light years away, which means that when we looked through an advanced telescope one evening and saw a new supernova that just emerged in the Pinwheel Galaxy, the exploding star wasn’t really new at all; it was 21 million light years away. In other words, the star exploded 21 million years ago, and we’re just seeing it now. One can circumambulate the globe 7.5 times in one second traveling at the speed of light. Traveling at that insanely fast speed, you would be traveling 128 trillion trillion miles to the Pinwheel Galaxy, which is the equivalent distance of 4.96 trillion trillion times around the Earth. When thinking about these insanely large numbers, it’s hard not to feel miniscule.
The earth’s relative size compared to the universe is equivalent to the relative size of an atom in relation to the earth. When you factor in the variable of time, a human being’s life appears even more insignificant. In the history of the earth, humans only occupy .007% of Earth’s history. From this universal macro perspective, believing that we matter seems arrogant.
Our parasha this week, Shelach Lecha, reminds us that long before we had any scientific perception of the universe, we still were plagued with the feeling of smallness. Moses sends out spies to Canaan to learn about the people and the land. 10 of 12 come back with a report about how small they feel. They report that compared to the people of they land, they are like grasshoppers, and the inhabitants of the land like giants. That is, they feel small and inadequate. What force is a grasshopper against a giant, after all? What difference can a grasshopper actually make!
וַנְּהִ֤י בְעֵינֵ֙ינוּ֙ כַּֽחֲגָבִ֔ים וְכֵ֥ן הָיִ֖ינוּ בְּעֵינֵיהֶֽם׃
We were like grasshoppers in our own eyes, therefore we must have appeared all the more so in their eyes (Numbers 13:33)
When the Israelites do eventually confront the Cananites, they aren’t seen as small at all, to the contrary, they’re perceived as mighty. The Israelites have a distorted self-perception detached from reality. According to the midrash, God would have pardoned them for feeling like insignificant insects. Their true transgression lies in projecting their own feelings of anxiety onto the Canaanites, assuming that the Canaanites would view them in the same diminutive manner they view themselves.
King Saul, who happened to be the tallest of all the Israelites, suffered this same psychological complex. The prophet Samuel comes to him and says “הֲל֗וֹא אִם־קָטֹ֤ן אַתָּה֙ בְּעֵינֶ֔יךָ רֹ֛אשׁ שִׁבְטֵ֥י יִשְׂרָאֵ֖ל אָ֑תָּה וַיִּמְשָׁחֲךָ֧ יְהוָ֛ה לְמֶ֖לֶךְ עַל־יִשְׂרָאֵֽל׃– even though you are so small in your eyes – nevertheless you are the head of the tribes of the people of Israel (1 Samuel 15:17).” His feelings are incongruous with his potential to lead the people Israel.
I understand the feeling of the Israelites, and I understand the feeling of Saul; it’s exactly how I felt studying the universe. It feels like we are too small to matter. We are insignificant. At our relative scale to the universe, we are perhaps nothing more than a predictable math equation with behavior that varies insignificantly in the scheme of things. Thinking like this is nothing short of depressing, but more importantly, it’s simply untrue.
The rabbis in the Talmud present a math equation that should readjust how we see ourselves: “Anyone who saves a single life, it’s as if they’ve saved an entire world; anyone who destroys a human life, it’s as if they’ve destroyed an entire world (Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5).” This isn’t a metaphoric statement that each person is a world, rather this highlights a mathematical projection about the exponential impact of each person. For starters, Adam and Eve were only a pair, and they begat every person on earth; every single individual possesses that same potential. If you save one person’s life, and that person copulates and has an average of two children; at an average familial rate of growth over 500 years, you would have about 22 generations, and you would have saved 4,194,304 people.
We tend to vastly underestimate our size relative to the universe, but we also radically underestimate our ability to make an impact on our world. We shouldn’t even concern ourselves about mattering to the universe, because mattering to the universe doesn’t matter. Concern yourself about mattering in your world, in your orbit, in your community, in your family, and among your friends. The exponential impact in that equation ensures that you will matter substantially. Your only question is, will you matter for a blessing. Will your impact be chesed- loving kindness, rachamim- compassion, chochma- wisdom, or will it be exponentially negative with lashon hara- gossip, anger, hatred, and pessimism.